Girls, this is not a good candidate to take home to meet your parents, which reminds me of an older post I did and which bears repeating. 10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule 1 : If you pull into my driveway and honk you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2 : You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3 : I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you & your friends
are complete idiots, if you show up at my house like this I will force you to leave.
Rule 4 : I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing the "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex I am the barrier, I will kill you.
Rule 5 : You may think for us to get to know each other and we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need is "early".
Rule 6 : I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter, otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry then I will make you cry.
Rule 7 : As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating, my daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8 : The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls a sweater or a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided, movies which feature chain saws are OK. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9 : Do not lie to me. I am not a middle aged, dimwitted has been. But, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a gun, a shovel, and five acres behind my house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 10 : Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a suicide bomber in the Iraqi desert. When I start having flashbacks, the voices in my head frequently tell me to "lock and load" as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule 2 : You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3 : I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you & your friends
are complete idiots, if you show up at my house like this I will force you to leave.
Rule 4 : I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing the "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex I am the barrier, I will kill you.
Rule 5 : You may think for us to get to know each other and we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need is "early".
Rule 6 : I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter, otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry then I will make you cry.
Rule 7 : As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating, my daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8 : The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls a sweater or a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided, movies which feature chain saws are OK. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9 : Do not lie to me. I am not a middle aged, dimwitted has been. But, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a gun, a shovel, and five acres behind my house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 10 : Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a suicide bomber in the Iraqi desert. When I start having flashbacks, the voices in my head frequently tell me to "lock and load" as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
What a piece of of human excrement! I kind of hope he shows up on your doorstep so you can dispatch him, and put him out of society's misery.
ReplyDeleteMatt I don't know what would possess someone to do this to themselves, but then again maybe they are possessed.
Deletebhahahahahahaha! i especially loved #9!!!!! yer awesome, Duke!
ReplyDeleteyour friend,
kymber
Kymber, glad I brightened your day. Thanks.
DeleteI have two grown sons and hope that someone else gave them this speech at some point!
ReplyDeleteI hear you my friend, thanks.
DeleteLow it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Agirl, glad you enjoyed.
DeleteAWESOME piece!! We also have a daughter. I am doing my best to "brainwash" her. I tell her a good Christian boy should want to court her, not date her. In doesn't hurt that my husband is a BIG, physically fit man either. Number 9 was my favorite also.
ReplyDeleteStuck in ca, good for you, it seems there are not many real 'gentleman' left anymore, at least not young ones
DeleteI have daughters....I totally agree with all of the above....though I propose #11 to state, "DO ya feel lucky punk? Do ya?.....go ahead, make my day"
ReplyDeleteThat would be a good addition to the list, thanks.
DeleteOr just be cleaning the shotgun when they come to pick up the daughter... I did that, had NO problems with that particular young man... :-)
ReplyDeleteI have actually done something similar, you're right it does work.
DeleteOld NFO,
DeleteI had, rest his soul, and uncle who insisted that young men come into the house to meet him and his wife the first time they were taking his daughters out. He made a point of sitting at the kitchen table with a shotgun field stripped, working the reloader for his skeet shooting. Quite an impressive sight.
Oh, and Duke forgot Rule #11: Always remember, I am not afraid to go back to prison.
You really do not have to go through that list with loverboy. When he walks to the door (and he WILL walk to the door and not honk) be on the front porch caressing your shotgun and repeating: "I don't mind going back to prison. I don't mind going back to prison."
ReplyDeleteCrap. I just now saw 'Old NFO's" comment.
DeleteLotta Joy, that's OK, I like the comment. BTW, love your pen name Lotta Joy. Thanks for chiming in.
Delete11. If you make my daughter cry, I'll make you cry.
ReplyDeleteThanks, also see rule #6
Delete