Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I wrote this out for my daughter years ago, hope you enjoy.

Rule 1 :  If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2 :  You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3 : I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely
that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you & your friends
are complete idiots, if you show up at my house like this I will force you to leave.
Rule 4 : I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing the "barrier method" of
some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, I will kill you.
Rule 5 : You may think for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is when you expect to
have my daughter  safely back at my house,  and the only word I need is "early".
Rule 6 : I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as  it is okay with my  daughter, otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry , I will make
you cry.
Rule 7 :  As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie , you should not be dating, my daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there , why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8 : The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns, within eyesight; holding hands, or happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat; movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are OK. Old folks homes  are better.
Rule 9 : Do not lie to me. I am not a middle aged, dimwitted has been. But, on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all knowing merciless god of your universe. If  I ask you where you are going and with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a
gun, a shovel, and five acres behind my house. Do not trifle with me.

  Rule 10 : Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a suicide bomber in the Iraqi desert.
When I start having flashbacks, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to "lock and load" as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway, you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window  is mine.


  1. I wish I could change that around to "10 simple rules for dating my boys" ?

  2. Duke, beautiful. I shall apply this to my Little Bit. Well done.

  3. That is too funny. I wish all fathers felt that way.

  4. I miss the good old days when those 10 rules were perfectly legal. Nowadays, some cocky mouthbreather might consider that threatening if they were to read it.

    If you run out of room, I got 40 acres in an alpine desert you can use here. I got the shovel.

  5. Jacked up Glock Mom, I'm sure you could come up with some guidelines. I have 3 boys myself.
    Stephen, glad you enjoyed it.
    Sharon, thank you, actually not real far from the truth. I did in fact scare off one boy when my daughter was dating and he never came back.
    Mudbug, I might just take you up on that one day.
    Thanks all, Duke.

  6. Duke- I know you have three boys, because we travel in the same circles. : )

  7. Lol I love this. I think my husband has similar ideas.

  8. I remember Ollie North reading this on his radio show.

  9. Odysseus, I heard a similar one and adapted and rewrote it years ago when my daughter was dating.